"Why don't we have any friends?"

Upon arriving at college in September, I was pleasantly satisfied with my roommate. After getting to know her, or in reality coming to the realization that neither of us really wanted to get to know each other, I realized that my roommate was almost as antisocial as me. Since this time we have in fact come to talk quite a bit to each other, but only about one serious topic. Trying to figure out why we have no friends. We are truly puzzled. Here are a few excerpts of from our conversations, maybe you can pick something out of them that I was not able to as to why we have no friends....

Sydnee: Marie I can't figure out why no one wants to hang out with us. I think we are pretty cool.

Marie: Yea I know. Hey are you going to the dance tomorrow night?

Sydnee: Ew. No. I hate people why would I want to go that?

Marie: Yea I have no idea.

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Marie: I feel like no one here has made any effort to even get to know us! Its kind of frustrating.

Sydnee: seriously! and I thought they were mormons and were supposed to love everyone, I'm not feeling the love.

Marie: Hey lets have a fajita night at our apartment! Fajitas sound delicious. And we could invite people and try to make friends. Actually... maybe we shouldn't invite people, I don't really want to share my fajitas.

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Marie: Sydnee why are you putting on your headphones just to go get the mail?

Sydnee: Oh. I don't want anyone to stop me and try to talk to me.

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(we live on the third floor)

Sydnee: Marie what are you doing?

Marie: Oh well I like to dim the lights behind me and stand on the couch in front of the big window and stare down at the people walking below on the sidewalk so that when people look up they just see this creepy silhouette staring down at them. Its probably my favorite pass time.

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Marie: Sydnee you talk to yourself A LOT.

Sydnee: Yea well I think about who I want to talk to, and then I think why would I want to talk to any of these people when I'm so cool?, so I just talk to myself!

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Marie: Oh poo. they didn't schedule me to close monday nights next semester when I specifically said I wanted to again....

Sydnee: Why do you want to close on Mondays so bad?

Marie: FHE is on Mondays, DUH.

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Sydnee: Marie you should really stop being so terrible to people.

Marie: I already tried that, that was my goal last week, to just be rude instead of terrible. And I have trouble focusing on a goal for more than a week.

Sydnee: last week you dressed up as a Utah Mormon for Halloween...?

Marie: Yea well I gave up half way through the week. It was too hard of a goal.

Sydnee: Halloween was on Monday Marie....

We are truly puzzled as to why we have no friends. If you can figure it out, please let me know.

How to lose a friend in ten days.

It has come to my attention that many of you are burdened by the problem of friends. You would like to be antisocial, but already have friends and do not know what to do about that. So I decided to help you with your problem. I have compiled a list of tried and true methods to get rid of your friends, so that you can be who you really want to be.

Now at first I considered things we see everyday, like flirt with their significant others. But I have seen that all the time and despite logic it does not seem to work. So I came up with some creative ideas.

1. Start an exotic bug collection. Bring it up at all possible occasions. Don't stop talking about it.

2. Eat beans for every meal. (with this one... its more the side effects that matter not the act of eating beans)

3. Wear the EXACT same thing to school as your friend as much as possible. (If you are a girl, I can't see your friendship lasting longer than a couple weeks)

4. Facebook chat them every single time they are on facebook.

5. When a friend is talking to you, do not look them in the eye except when you are correcting their grammar. Which you should do frequently.

6. Only answer their texts every three times and with a one word answer with a period. "cool." "k." This way they know you are getting their texts but that you just do not care.

7. Laugh REALLY REALLY loud at anything and everything or even nothing.

8. Whenever their pencils are not straight on their desk, take the liberty to fix it for them.

9. Make sure your cat/dog/bunny or other furry animal lays on all your black clothes before you wear them.

10. Don't forget to talk about your exotic bug collection.

Well I hope this helps solve your problem! Let me know if you have any other ingenious methods of losing friends!

A High School Tale

As you can imagine, I basically ruled the school in high school. It was hard being so popular. So I decided to show the world some of the hardships I faced.

First, meet the characters of our story...

Now let the story begin...

Everyday I was swarmed by mobs of people who battled fiercely for my attention.

The noise alone was deafening.

I tried to grace as many as I could with a few words, but there were just so many.

People pushed and pulled to get through the crowd just for a chance to touch any part of me they could: hands, feet, hair etc...

When I had to leave for class, the sound of the masses sobbing at my departure was almost unbearable.

It is hard to be so popular.

Cat Lady

When I tell people I intend to be an old maid with 50 cats, I'm often given a lot of flak. But, consider the following reasons why my future life kicks butt compared to yours, and you might find yourself reconsidering...

Cats may leave hair around the house, children leave poop.

On that note, I will never have to change a diaper.

Cats may talk back to me, but it never hurts because I don't understand a word they are saying.

I have been bitten and scratched by cats, very rarely drawing blood; I have had projectiles thrown at me, had hair pulled out, been spat at, bit, kicked, clawed, punched, and headbutted by young children.

I will never have to prepare dinner for an expecting husband after a long day of work; all I have to do is pour some cat food in the bin every couple days.

Cats are soft, men are prickly and scratchy.

Cats will always listen to my problems without adding annoying opinions or suggestions.

Generally, cats stay cute, men do not.

Cats don't draw on walls with crayons and markers.

In fact, you don't even have to buy crayons and markers for cats! or a ton of other things. They are insanely cheaper.

When a cat gets sick, you just put it down and get another. People have trouble doing the same thing with children and husbands.

If you don't want to deal with cats for a few days, you can just throw them outside and lock the cat door. If you try to do the same with children... it might not go over so well.

At this point, if you are not thoroughly convinced to ditch your established life plan of marrying and having a family, you are the insane one my friend, not me.