Zombie Apocalypse: An update

Journal entry 6/11/2013:

I believe that somehow those infected with Marriageacheta Domestica Densovirus, or the zombies, found a way to gain access to my previous journal entry here http://uncelebratedpeoplehaters.blogspot.com/2013/05/i-am-legend.html
and my security has become compromised. It appears as if they are smarter than I thought. Thus I am being forced to abandon my home and flee to the land of Arcadia, California for the next 18 months. I will be in disguise, wearing only skirts past my knees, blouses, and ugly grandma shoes. To avoid detection, I will speak only the Spanish language. I will go by the name of "hermana". Hopefully, by these methods I will avoid infection for the next 18 months. 

If you would like to keep updated on continued fight for survival in Arcadia, California, all of the information will be posted here http://sistermariebardsley.blogspot.com/ 

To all my fellow survivors, don't give up, don't give in! We must keep humanity alive!

-Marie out.

I AM LEGEND

I am the last one left. The last of the human race. Who knows how much longer I have before they get me too... It could be minutes, days, years. All I know is that I need to tell my story, tell everything I know about these zombies that now haunt the earth. Who knows who I am writing to, myself, the gods, or on the off-chance that there is another survivor out. Well, if there is another survivor, maybe my knowledge will help you out.

It all started when I moved to Provo to attend Brigham Young University. The people were generally nice. But soon I started to notice some strange and unnerving qualities in many of my friends. Many of them began to spend increasing amounts of their time with members of the opposite gender. Additionally, they began to have a dazed look about them and an inability to focus, as if their head was always in another place. If only I had known at the time that these were the first signs, maybe I could have found a cure...

Phase 1

I thought it was just some sort of flu that everyone was getting. Like the swine flu or something. That it would go as quickly as it came.

But it didn't go away, it just kept spreading. Some people started to speculate. The radicals said we were being punished for our wickedness and that this was the end of the world. Nobody listened. Some crazy doctors said it was a new bacteria of some sort that would continue to multiply until it had taken over the whole earth. Nobody listened. The superstitious said this was the zombie apocalypse. Nobody listened. And maybe they were all right...

Soon, the infected began to exhibit more alarming qualities. After choosing a zombie counterpart of the opposite gender, their eyes take on a strange condition in which the infected only have the ability to look into the eyes of their zombie counterpart. Also, they engage in a lot of physical contact, which seems to quicken the progression of the loss of their brains. Physical contact with one's infected counterpart must have some catalytic property that causes the virus to multiply faster.

At this point, you may notice if you look closely, the green flecking and rotting of their skin. This is when I first knew this was no ordinary flu.

After years of research, I have since discovered the true cause of the zombie condition. After risking my life to leave my barricaded home and find and acquire some microscopes, I took some blood samples of zombies that attacked my house that night. This is what I found:

The virus, is that grey circular thing. It attaches itself to the red blood cells and mutates them, often turning them blue in color. There are three varieties of the red blood cell mutation that I have found. They are as follows:

The most common mutation of the red blood cell caused by the virus. You can see the dark blue color the virus turns the blood cell. 

This one is also fairly common. I have found that it gets more and more common the farther north you go from Provo.

This is the most rare version. It is also the hardest to spot since it is the only one that doesn't turn the blood cell blue.

 After reading a bizillion books, I have discovered that this type of viral infection has in fact existed for a long time, though recently it appears to have become much more aggressive. It is called the Marriageacheta Domestica Densovirus. It usually attacks in a person's late teens or early adult years.

Near the end of the progression, the silver circular shaped attack-body in the bloodstream makes a physical mutation upon the left the hand on the person's finger in between the index and the pinky... I still don't know how it is able to produce a large shiny replica of itself outside the bloodstream, but it does, this is what it looks like....

Phase 3

At this point the subject will lose all ability to do anything besides flaunt the virus and spend time with their zombie counterpart of the opposite gender. By now, the progression is nearly irreversible, the subject's brain is almost entirely dead. It is almost certain they will become a flesh-eating soul-sucking zombie within just a few months.

Well... After two years in Provo, almost everyone had reached phase 3 of the digression... And by the end of my third year... Everyone had entered the final phase... There is no coming back from the final phase.

Final Phase...

They're all dead now. I am the only one left.

This is my life now. I do what I have to in order to survive...

I am the last of the human race.

7 Habits of a Highly Effective Free Food Monopolizer

Free food > friends. Everyone knows it is true. But no one says it. The fact of the matter is, free food always wins in the end. You think the people in the Donner Party weren't friends with the other members of their group? Of course they were, they had traveled across the country with them. And yet in the end....

Okay, maybe that's a slightly morbid example, but I'm telling you, free food always wins.

Anyways, for those of you who don't know me, I am a master of acquiring free food. It is probably my greatest talent in life. When you are biting into something free that you have played your cards to receive, you know deep inside that that is much more (drum roll...) fulFILLING than spending your time socializing or trying to acquire friends. Side note, if you hate awful puns you should probably stop reading my blog right now. Anyways, it always surprises me though, the lack of skills many people have in this area, despite claiming to love free food. And I wonder.... do they really LOVE free food as they profess? Or perhaps, they just don't know what they're doing, in which case I can help them and you out. In this post I will use both personal and historical examples to aid those who are truly seeking in their quest to be a highly effect free-food monopolizer. 


1. STARE: The first most effective technique is to stare. I make it blatantly obvious that I am hungry or want some of their food. You have to make it look like you know it would be improper to ask but that you are just so emaciated you can't keep your eyes off of their food. Drool a little.

This makes people really uncomfortable. And usually, they will do what they have to to make themselves feel comfortable again, like, give you food. 

Ever wonder why good old Abe is always staring at you so intimidatingly? He probably wants some of your food. And lets be real, I'd give him some food to get him to stop staring at me like that.

2. ASK: The second thing I do that most people seem afraid of is the most simple solution of all, ask. I mean, be smart about it. But when, for instance, I see random people walking through campus with a thing of cupcakes that is mostly eaten, it is clear that they brought cupcakes to some class party and those are the extras so they don't even need them. Usually, even if you have never met the person, they have no use for the extras, whether it be pizza, cupcakes or some other good, and are perfectly happy giving them to a stranger if you ask. Or, many times I have gone to restaurants with groups of people and not bought any food, but acquired a full meal by just asking people who were done eating if I could eat their leftovers. Oftentimes, they were just going to leave them on the table to be thrown away anyways. Also, when you are forward enough to ask, most people are pretty non-confrontational and so they feel guilty looking you straight in the eye and saying they will not share with you. I think this is especially applicable at BYU where people are just so darn freaking nice, but that's their problem, not mine or yours.

3. JOIN: Don't feel bad about joining clubs or activities solely for the free food. In high school I was a member of Jewish club for the bagels and the kosher pizza, and also Chinese club for the fried rice. They are given money to give people food, why shouldn't that be you?

Me kickin it with some jews and our kosher pizza.

Me and some of the girlfriends I made at Chinese club

Especially if you are white like me, they don't have a white people club where they give us steak and mashed potatoes, that would be "politically incorrect", so we are the underprivileged group when it comes to free food, don't feel guilty about getting your fair share of free food regardless. Also, groups often advertise the food they are having because they want to get people to come and learn about their club or whatever. They WANT you to come for the free food as long as you will stay the whole time and listen to them as well. By the way, I became a master at Chinese Chess and kicked all the Chinese kids' butts, in case you were wondering.

4. TAKE: This one I have absolutely no idea why people have a problem with it. Here is Genghis Khan.

 He is one of the greatest figures in world history and he definitely had no problem taking. Taking people's food, land, chastity, life... He took it all.

All I am saying is, if there is food left over at an event, don't feel bad about taking it. I don't know about you but at my ward's functions there is nearly always too much food because they want to make sure that no matter how many people come they will have enough. Now do you think your bishop wants to take home 7 boxes of donuts? NO! They bought this food for YOU. Once everyone has had some, don't feel bad about taking more and stocking up to bring back to your house or apartment. Everyone just leaves normally, it baffles me. From one of my finals last week I brought home a whole bag of chips, dip, a fruit platter, box of croissants, two muffins, and pop-tarts because people left the food they had brought and then everyone else felt too guilty to take it. Don't be scared to take, the great people in history did it, SO CAN YOU!

5. USE: Don't be afraid to use people for food. Believe me, there are a lot worse motives than using someone for food. If you hear someone is a really good cook, or that they are having an awesome food event, don't be scared to become friends with them solely for that. Socialize with them, get invited to their event, eat their food. It works. And sometimes you may actually become friends with the person, but you wouldn't have had you not used them for their food in the first place.

6. DATE: This one goes hand in hand with the last one, but mostly applies just to all my single ladies. Flirting with boys so that they will ask you on a date and buy you food, is not bad. First off, you get free food, second off, you may actually get to know someone out of it and who knows where that could go? Sometimes, it can be a little awkward, but it's so worth it if they are going to buy you enchiladas or pasta or something. You can endure a couple hours of extraordinarily awkward forced conversation for that can't you? See, socializing does have its place, as a stepping stone to food. Take Esther for example, she flirted with and then even married a king so that she could have a plethora of free banquets!

Esther: Oh Chell yea! (ochel, pronounced oh hell with flem on the h in hell is the hebrew word for food..... #jewpun #hebrewhumor #waitimmormon #identitycrisis)
I mean, usually I cut it off after the second date but she really had no shame! 

7. BACON: wait.... what?

Well, if you truly put these into effect in your life, these 7 habits are proven to make you a more effective free-food-monopolizer. They worked for me, they can work for you too!

For testimonials, go to 7habitsoffreefood.com

What does Post-dancesport+Pre-mission equal? Climbing on furniture.

When you ballroom dance, you think you have friends. Or at least, you tell yourself you do because you see the same people for three or four hours a day. And then dancesport hits, the culmination of all your practice with all your partners the entire year. And it's great! You wear pretty dresses and look like a carrot with a lot of make up on and have a blast! And then... it's over. And then... you don't need to practice. Congratulations, you now have an extra four hours a day! At first it's great. You come home and cook dinner, and clean the house, read a book or two, and then brush and brush and brush your hair... then maybe paint some more... I'm sure there's room somewhere. (who caught that reference? probably just me, since, I'll probably be the only one blog stalking myself, I mean it still makes my blog views go up and then at least I feel cool).  

Well, anyways, one day you say to yourself, "Hey, where did all my friends go?" And you realize, all those people you interacted with all the time were just trapped in a room with you for several hours a day. Doesn't exactly count as friends. In addition, if you are going on a mission, as I am, no one wants to dance with you after dancesport because the investment won't yield any fruit since you will be gone before the next big competition. So even if you wanted to listen to "Love the way you lie" for three hours a night again as people practice rumba (this seems to be the current obsession at BYU for a rumba song), you couldn't. Bummer. 

So now, you say to yourself, "Hey, what about my ward??!! I'm sure there are some reasonably cool people in it". Well too bad for you, by the time you try this, there is less than a month left in school. And you are leaving on your mission soon. So who would want to indoctrinate you into their friend group at this point? Tried this option, I even started going to FHE, which is revolutionary for me, and I'll spare you the grief, doesn't really work. 

Not to mention, the free food outlet of dates is completely gone, because no one wants to go on a date with a "pre-mi" (pre missionary). It's a total loss of an investment in boys' minds since they can't up and marry you any time soon, which, in Mormon culture is what people are looking to do. I mean, really it doesn't make a difference in my case since marriage still and always has sounded like being trapped for eternity, so them asking me on dates in the first place was always a loss of an investment, but THEY didn't know that, only I did, and I got free food out of it, so I wasn't complaining. 

So now you just must resign to the fate of spending a good 5 hours by yourself every evening. Now you ask, what to do with this all this time?

Let me tell you what I've done... maybe it'll give you some good ideas..

1. Interpretive dance. A lot. There's a solid two hours every evening where I turn on some LOTR or something of the sort and start jumping around and rolling on the ground. It's a good thing there's no video camera in my apartment. I'm pretty sure every thing that can possibly be climbed on and jumped off of dramatically has had the pleasure of enduring that. Couches, tables, counters, chairs...  Every spot of floor has had some sort of headstand/crazy invented acrobatic move done on it. You'd be amazed what sort of awesome dance moves you can come up when you're this bored... Okay... three more hours left...

2. Talk to yourself. Just pretend that you are going to be a screenwriter and you need to run over every possible outcome of every possible conversation you could have with everybody in order to find the best result. You are just practicing to write screenplay one day... right?

3. Take up journal writing. This is just a more socially acceptable form of talking to yourself. 

4. Take up blogging. An even more "in" form of talking to yourself.

5. Stalk people. Don't worry, you are leaving in a month, by the time they get REALLY creeped out you just get to use the mission escape card. Nothing to lose. 

6. If you live somewhere with walls that have absolutely no sound proofing, listen to your neighbor's conversations. And then yell things through the walls every now and then when you feel the need to participate in their conversations. They were waiting for your addition in their social life, they really were. 

Basically... I'm livin the life. Can't you tell? 

........

......

...

.. 

2 months and three days till my mission.

that's not so long.... right.......?

A Stalker's Joy

I don't know about the rest of you, but I get the utmost joy by creating that extraordinarily awkward moment when you know everything about someone else who has absolutely no idea who you are. Or just that moment when you can tell their comfort bubble is being pushed to the max. For those of you who thrive off of awkwardness, you'll know it is a sweet sort of satisfaction.

Here are a couple of ideas I use to not get rusty in my stalker abilities,

Periodically jump in random people's window wells and stare with your face plastered against their window into their apartment. This is probably my personal favorite, the window wells in Wyview work fantastically for it.

If you know you are going to meet someone or after meeting someone once, web stalk them as much as you possibly can. Not just facebook, everybody does that, youtube and google as well. From knowing someone's first name and one organization he or she was part of I once determined exactly where this person worked, his or her last name, and.... his or her track scores. (they were really fast by the way...) How's that for a second conversation starter? "Hey! I heard you run a five minute mile! I found your scores online"

Participate in random people's conversations. The other day I was walking outside and there were a bunch of girls on the third floor yelling "I AM NOT A WHORE, I AM NOT A WHORE" from their apartment with the window open, I have no idea why they were yelling that, but naturally I found it necessary to yell from down below as loud as I could, "Excuse me! Excuse me! I am a whore, hey are you listening? I am a whore!" until they heard me and peered down from their window in consternation.

Do things that just... don't make sense. Yesterday me and Sydnee decided to have a dance party in our apartment by ourselves since we have no friends. Here's what we did, it was nighttime and whenever we saw a group of people was going to pass down below shortly, one of us would man the lights and flip them on and off as quickly as possible, creating a strobe light effect, while the other lone person would start doing crazy dance moves right in front of the window. People were a little confused to say the least.

Take pictures of random people, so that it looks like you are trying to hide the fact that you are taking a picture of them but it is really blatantly obvious that you are taking a picture of them. I have about 20 pictures, close up, of this kid who I thought was really hot at dancesport. I would follow him around the outside of the floor taking pictures of him.

When people of opposite genders are talking to each other, specifically one boy and one girl, suddenly duck down behind a car or nearby object, then dash from object to object around these people's perimeter. Oh and another favorite of mine since I live in an apartment is whenever I hear the voices of a male and female coming up the steps, I peer through the peephole on the door and watch all the doorstep scenes. You may not know who I am, but I know who you are dating.... Sometimes if you are feeling extra creepy whisper things through the door that are barely audible. I once got free chicken out of that... don't ask....

For those of you who actually have friends, I am sorry, you don't get to share in this joy. People know who you are, and expect you to do the same because you actually talk to people. What a pity. Its no fun at all if you know who people are dating and such if you are actually FRIENDS with them.

Well thats all for now creepers! I will DEFINITELY be seeing you around.... .... ....... ....

"Why don't we have any friends?"

Upon arriving at college in September, I was pleasantly satisfied with my roommate. After getting to know her, or in reality coming to the realization that neither of us really wanted to get to know each other, I realized that my roommate was almost as antisocial as me. Since this time we have in fact come to talk quite a bit to each other, but only about one serious topic. Trying to figure out why we have no friends. We are truly puzzled. Here are a few excerpts of from our conversations, maybe you can pick something out of them that I was not able to as to why we have no friends....

Sydnee: Marie I can't figure out why no one wants to hang out with us. I think we are pretty cool.

Marie: Yea I know. Hey are you going to the dance tomorrow night?

Sydnee: Ew. No. I hate people why would I want to go that?

Marie: Yea I have no idea.

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Marie: I feel like no one here has made any effort to even get to know us! Its kind of frustrating.

Sydnee: seriously! and I thought they were mormons and were supposed to love everyone, I'm not feeling the love.

Marie: Hey lets have a fajita night at our apartment! Fajitas sound delicious. And we could invite people and try to make friends. Actually... maybe we shouldn't invite people, I don't really want to share my fajitas.

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Marie: Sydnee why are you putting on your headphones just to go get the mail?

Sydnee: Oh. I don't want anyone to stop me and try to talk to me.

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(we live on the third floor)

Sydnee: Marie what are you doing?

Marie: Oh well I like to dim the lights behind me and stand on the couch in front of the big window and stare down at the people walking below on the sidewalk so that when people look up they just see this creepy silhouette staring down at them. Its probably my favorite pass time.

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Marie: Sydnee you talk to yourself A LOT.

Sydnee: Yea well I think about who I want to talk to, and then I think why would I want to talk to any of these people when I'm so cool?, so I just talk to myself!

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Marie: Oh poo. they didn't schedule me to close monday nights next semester when I specifically said I wanted to again....

Sydnee: Why do you want to close on Mondays so bad?

Marie: FHE is on Mondays, DUH.

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Sydnee: Marie you should really stop being so terrible to people.

Marie: I already tried that, that was my goal last week, to just be rude instead of terrible. And I have trouble focusing on a goal for more than a week.

Sydnee: last week you dressed up as a Utah Mormon for Halloween...?

Marie: Yea well I gave up half way through the week. It was too hard of a goal.

Sydnee: Halloween was on Monday Marie....

We are truly puzzled as to why we have no friends. If you can figure it out, please let me know.

How to lose a friend in ten days.

It has come to my attention that many of you are burdened by the problem of friends. You would like to be antisocial, but already have friends and do not know what to do about that. So I decided to help you with your problem. I have compiled a list of tried and true methods to get rid of your friends, so that you can be who you really want to be.

Now at first I considered things we see everyday, like flirt with their significant others. But I have seen that all the time and despite logic it does not seem to work. So I came up with some creative ideas.

1. Start an exotic bug collection. Bring it up at all possible occasions. Don't stop talking about it.

2. Eat beans for every meal. (with this one... its more the side effects that matter not the act of eating beans)

3. Wear the EXACT same thing to school as your friend as much as possible. (If you are a girl, I can't see your friendship lasting longer than a couple weeks)

4. Facebook chat them every single time they are on facebook.

5. When a friend is talking to you, do not look them in the eye except when you are correcting their grammar. Which you should do frequently.

6. Only answer their texts every three times and with a one word answer with a period. "cool." "k." This way they know you are getting their texts but that you just do not care.

7. Laugh REALLY REALLY loud at anything and everything or even nothing.

8. Whenever their pencils are not straight on their desk, take the liberty to fix it for them.

9. Make sure your cat/dog/bunny or other furry animal lays on all your black clothes before you wear them.

10. Don't forget to talk about your exotic bug collection.

Well I hope this helps solve your problem! Let me know if you have any other ingenious methods of losing friends!