I AM LEGEND

I am the last one left. The last of the human race. Who knows how much longer I have before they get me too... It could be minutes, days, years. All I know is that I need to tell my story, tell everything I know about these zombies that now haunt the earth. Who knows who I am writing to, myself, the gods, or on the off-chance that there is another survivor out. Well, if there is another survivor, maybe my knowledge will help you out.

It all started when I moved to Provo to attend Brigham Young University. The people were generally nice. But soon I started to notice some strange and unnerving qualities in many of my friends. Many of them began to spend increasing amounts of their time with members of the opposite gender. Additionally, they began to have a dazed look about them and an inability to focus, as if their head was always in another place. If only I had known at the time that these were the first signs, maybe I could have found a cure...

Phase 1

I thought it was just some sort of flu that everyone was getting. Like the swine flu or something. That it would go as quickly as it came.

But it didn't go away, it just kept spreading. Some people started to speculate. The radicals said we were being punished for our wickedness and that this was the end of the world. Nobody listened. Some crazy doctors said it was a new bacteria of some sort that would continue to multiply until it had taken over the whole earth. Nobody listened. The superstitious said this was the zombie apocalypse. Nobody listened. And maybe they were all right...

Soon, the infected began to exhibit more alarming qualities. After choosing a zombie counterpart of the opposite gender, their eyes take on a strange condition in which the infected only have the ability to look into the eyes of their zombie counterpart. Also, they engage in a lot of physical contact, which seems to quicken the progression of the loss of their brains. Physical contact with one's infected counterpart must have some catalytic property that causes the virus to multiply faster.

At this point, you may notice if you look closely, the green flecking and rotting of their skin. This is when I first knew this was no ordinary flu.

After years of research, I have since discovered the true cause of the zombie condition. After risking my life to leave my barricaded home and find and acquire some microscopes, I took some blood samples of zombies that attacked my house that night. This is what I found:

The virus, is that grey circular thing. It attaches itself to the red blood cells and mutates them, often turning them blue in color. There are three varieties of the red blood cell mutation that I have found. They are as follows:

The most common mutation of the red blood cell caused by the virus. You can see the dark blue color the virus turns the blood cell. 

This one is also fairly common. I have found that it gets more and more common the farther north you go from Provo.

This is the most rare version. It is also the hardest to spot since it is the only one that doesn't turn the blood cell blue.

 After reading a bizillion books, I have discovered that this type of viral infection has in fact existed for a long time, though recently it appears to have become much more aggressive. It is called the Marriageacheta Domestica Densovirus. It usually attacks in a person's late teens or early adult years.

Near the end of the progression, the silver circular shaped attack-body in the bloodstream makes a physical mutation upon the left the hand on the person's finger in between the index and the pinky... I still don't know how it is able to produce a large shiny replica of itself outside the bloodstream, but it does, this is what it looks like....

Phase 3

At this point the subject will lose all ability to do anything besides flaunt the virus and spend time with their zombie counterpart of the opposite gender. By now, the progression is nearly irreversible, the subject's brain is almost entirely dead. It is almost certain they will become a flesh-eating soul-sucking zombie within just a few months.

Well... After two years in Provo, almost everyone had reached phase 3 of the digression... And by the end of my third year... Everyone had entered the final phase... There is no coming back from the final phase.

Final Phase...

They're all dead now. I am the only one left.

This is my life now. I do what I have to in order to survive...

I am the last of the human race.

7 Habits of a Highly Effective Free Food Monopolizer

Free food > friends. Everyone knows it is true. But no one says it. The fact of the matter is, free food always wins in the end. You think the people in the Donner Party weren't friends with the other members of their group? Of course they were, they had traveled across the country with them. And yet in the end....

Okay, maybe that's a slightly morbid example, but I'm telling you, free food always wins.

Anyways, for those of you who don't know me, I am a master of acquiring free food. It is probably my greatest talent in life. When you are biting into something free that you have played your cards to receive, you know deep inside that that is much more (drum roll...) fulFILLING than spending your time socializing or trying to acquire friends. Side note, if you hate awful puns you should probably stop reading my blog right now. Anyways, it always surprises me though, the lack of skills many people have in this area, despite claiming to love free food. And I wonder.... do they really LOVE free food as they profess? Or perhaps, they just don't know what they're doing, in which case I can help them and you out. In this post I will use both personal and historical examples to aid those who are truly seeking in their quest to be a highly effect free-food monopolizer. 


1. STARE: The first most effective technique is to stare. I make it blatantly obvious that I am hungry or want some of their food. You have to make it look like you know it would be improper to ask but that you are just so emaciated you can't keep your eyes off of their food. Drool a little.

This makes people really uncomfortable. And usually, they will do what they have to to make themselves feel comfortable again, like, give you food. 

Ever wonder why good old Abe is always staring at you so intimidatingly? He probably wants some of your food. And lets be real, I'd give him some food to get him to stop staring at me like that.

2. ASK: The second thing I do that most people seem afraid of is the most simple solution of all, ask. I mean, be smart about it. But when, for instance, I see random people walking through campus with a thing of cupcakes that is mostly eaten, it is clear that they brought cupcakes to some class party and those are the extras so they don't even need them. Usually, even if you have never met the person, they have no use for the extras, whether it be pizza, cupcakes or some other good, and are perfectly happy giving them to a stranger if you ask. Or, many times I have gone to restaurants with groups of people and not bought any food, but acquired a full meal by just asking people who were done eating if I could eat their leftovers. Oftentimes, they were just going to leave them on the table to be thrown away anyways. Also, when you are forward enough to ask, most people are pretty non-confrontational and so they feel guilty looking you straight in the eye and saying they will not share with you. I think this is especially applicable at BYU where people are just so darn freaking nice, but that's their problem, not mine or yours.

3. JOIN: Don't feel bad about joining clubs or activities solely for the free food. In high school I was a member of Jewish club for the bagels and the kosher pizza, and also Chinese club for the fried rice. They are given money to give people food, why shouldn't that be you?

Me kickin it with some jews and our kosher pizza.

Me and some of the girlfriends I made at Chinese club

Especially if you are white like me, they don't have a white people club where they give us steak and mashed potatoes, that would be "politically incorrect", so we are the underprivileged group when it comes to free food, don't feel guilty about getting your fair share of free food regardless. Also, groups often advertise the food they are having because they want to get people to come and learn about their club or whatever. They WANT you to come for the free food as long as you will stay the whole time and listen to them as well. By the way, I became a master at Chinese Chess and kicked all the Chinese kids' butts, in case you were wondering.

4. TAKE: This one I have absolutely no idea why people have a problem with it. Here is Genghis Khan.

 He is one of the greatest figures in world history and he definitely had no problem taking. Taking people's food, land, chastity, life... He took it all.

All I am saying is, if there is food left over at an event, don't feel bad about taking it. I don't know about you but at my ward's functions there is nearly always too much food because they want to make sure that no matter how many people come they will have enough. Now do you think your bishop wants to take home 7 boxes of donuts? NO! They bought this food for YOU. Once everyone has had some, don't feel bad about taking more and stocking up to bring back to your house or apartment. Everyone just leaves normally, it baffles me. From one of my finals last week I brought home a whole bag of chips, dip, a fruit platter, box of croissants, two muffins, and pop-tarts because people left the food they had brought and then everyone else felt too guilty to take it. Don't be scared to take, the great people in history did it, SO CAN YOU!

5. USE: Don't be afraid to use people for food. Believe me, there are a lot worse motives than using someone for food. If you hear someone is a really good cook, or that they are having an awesome food event, don't be scared to become friends with them solely for that. Socialize with them, get invited to their event, eat their food. It works. And sometimes you may actually become friends with the person, but you wouldn't have had you not used them for their food in the first place.

6. DATE: This one goes hand in hand with the last one, but mostly applies just to all my single ladies. Flirting with boys so that they will ask you on a date and buy you food, is not bad. First off, you get free food, second off, you may actually get to know someone out of it and who knows where that could go? Sometimes, it can be a little awkward, but it's so worth it if they are going to buy you enchiladas or pasta or something. You can endure a couple hours of extraordinarily awkward forced conversation for that can't you? See, socializing does have its place, as a stepping stone to food. Take Esther for example, she flirted with and then even married a king so that she could have a plethora of free banquets!

Esther: Oh Chell yea! (ochel, pronounced oh hell with flem on the h in hell is the hebrew word for food..... #jewpun #hebrewhumor #waitimmormon #identitycrisis)
I mean, usually I cut it off after the second date but she really had no shame! 

7. BACON: wait.... what?

Well, if you truly put these into effect in your life, these 7 habits are proven to make you a more effective free-food-monopolizer. They worked for me, they can work for you too!

For testimonials, go to 7habitsoffreefood.com